Grandparents at The Wedding
 by Noah Saunders

For years now, early in the wedding ceremony I selectively acknowledge by name those who are unable to be at the ceremony—usually grandparents—and usually those who have passed away. In situations where grandparents are still alive but unable to travel to the ceremony, they too, are acknowledged by name. When relationships between the bride and groom and their respective parents are comfortable and loving, I speak to the parents (also by name) on behalf of the bride and groom, and thank them for the loving homes they provided to their son or daughter, and express the couple’s gratitude and love to their parents. (This is usually the point where, together, the couple approach each set of parents, and present a flower to each mother.) 

This year, I’ve added an explicit recognition of any grandparents in attendance by name, and, speaking to them directly and eye to eye, I thank them for the great honor they bring by joining us and celebrating with us on this most happy occasion. I mention how they were there at their own son or daughter’s wedding, and now at their child’s child’s wedding; and then point out that if they—the grandparents—had taken a different path in their lives, none of us would have a reason to be there. This acknowledgment has had startling effects—the grandparents seem to come to life, and they almost appear to light up when this happens. The acknowledgments also have an effect on the non-family guests, who seem more inclined to speak with the grandparents during the reception. 

At a wedding ceremony in which I participated recently, the couple presented each of their grandmothers, mothers, and stepmothers with a rose. When the ceremony concluded, and bride and groom had walked back down the aisle as husband and wife, the groom’s grandfather began clapping, inspiring other guests to follow suit. I figured the applause was for the couple, but in fact the grandfather was clapping because he had so enjoyed the ceremony. He walked up to me, grabbed my hand to shake it, thanked me, and said the ceremony was the finest wedding he had ever been to in his entire life. At the reception, the bride’s grandmother tapped me on my shoulder with the long-stemmed rose her granddaughter had just given her during the ceremony. I turned around and saw who it was; she was smiling at me as she said, “Everything I have gone through in my life was made worthwhile by being at that ceremony with my granddaughter—thank you for that extraordinary ceremony.” Later that night, the bride’s grandmother died from a massive coronary. The bride telephoned me to convey the sad news. But she also wanted to thank me for insisting—when we were designing their wedding—that we take the few moments during their wedding ceremony to recognize the couple’s grandparents. The sadness and loss she and all of her family were feeling had been profoundly tempered with an unusual sense of joy and fulfillment because she had taken the time to tell her grandmother how much she loved her. To Life!