The Big Fat Greek Wedding I Can't Have
by Yael Clark

Another incident. More confusion. Frustration. Anger. Loss. There is no one in my circle of friends or family to whom I can turn for genuine empathy. I log onto my computer. Open up my emails and begin to unwind. There are six postings today from the members of the Dovetail Interfaith List.* Wedding hassles (rabbi or priest?), moments of aloneness (Christmas without one’s spouse), and how to host a kosher Thanksgiving without offending anyone. Postings from people like myself who are navigating a path about which little has been publicly written or taught, certainly not in conservative Australia). In fact, if my experiences can be generalized, most people who see others go down this path will block it, or make its terrain so very difficult that the would-be traveler turns back and seeks shelter in the familiar, the approved of, the prescribed. I am talking, of course, of intermarriage. I started on this path seven years ago. My parents, his parents, my friends, his friends, my extended family and his, and my own long conditioned inner voice fought valiantly to steer me away from this journey. And yet here we are with six months to go until our wedding. No rabbi will marry us, and no priest will either. At least, no priest who is acceptable to my Greek Orthodox fiancé's family. And finding a rabbi is a moot point, as my parents will have nothing to do with us and would not care a jot if a rabbi were present or not. What I care about has not been factored in much so far. Many have advised me to follow my heart and plan a service that reflects my beliefs, but I value a positive relationship with my future in-laws too much to offend them more than my existence already does.

Their Pain
My existence pains them because I do not see Christ as my savior. Because their son faces ex-communication from the church for marrying me. Because I have two Jewish children from my “arranged” marriage at nineteen to a then like-minded Hasidic Jew. My children attend the Hasidic school I once taught in, and although I am no longer observant in the sense that my family wishes (and in the way I once was), I am so very, very Jewish! (How and why I have journeyed so far from my roots is another discussion altogether, I suppose.) And so I have no support from my Jewish Hasidic family and very little from my future Greek Orthodox one. Little, but not none.

My Pain
My future in-laws have finally realized that we truly mean to marry, and they are trying to accept this in the ways that they can. In my loneliness and isolation from my family and community, I know that we need their support and we need to belong. I have lost—at least for now—my own family; to lose my fiancé's as well would be too much to bear. So I choose not to follow the thinking of those who—with compassion and kindness, indeed anger on my behalf—protest that my in-laws are being selfish, prejudiced, and disrespectful and that I am being too self-effacing. I choose not to condemn my in-laws too harshly. Oh, we’ve had our fights and threatened to cut off from each other (the incidents to which I referred above) but when I saw the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, I found that my willingness to be sensitive to my future mother-in-law rose from a place within me that I wish to nurture. A place of forgiveness, hope, and understanding. I will need to stay focused on this place if I value having this new family in our lives. Below is what I posted to the Interfaith message board after I saw the movie.

Healing
"You asked why I cried at the comedy. Yes, very close to home, but actually I cried mostly because I wish my fiancé could have his very own big fat Greek wedding. I want him to have all that. I am sad for this infuriating and hurtful MIL [mother-in-law] of mine. She, too, had her dreams and hopes for a joyous celebration. I cannot give it to her. I am who I am and wouldn’t change it for the world, but I still feel for their grief. Part of me knows that they should accept me and celebrate our marriage no matter what religion/age/marital status I am. Part of me is FURIOUS that they reject me on those grounds (as my parents reject Takis). But I understand where they are coming from. Even I have difficulty accepting that I am “marrying out” and might have children who choose Christianity. Imagine how hard it must be for them. They are from a different generation, mind-set, values, etc. I do feel deep sadness for them. I watched the movie wishing that we too had family to celebrate our wedding. I would LOVE to be a part of the Greek community and family (while not losing my Jewishness). I WANT to dance the zorba and speak their language (I am learning)…, and I am so, so sad that they cannot/will not welcome me into it all. I want what the movie characters achieved—but without converting. So, for anyone reading this and wondering why on earth I am pouring out my heart over the Net... It’s in answer to that innocent little question! Maybe your feelings and situation are different from mine, I can only speak from my experiences. I am just so, so sad that neither the Greek Orthodox family nor the Jewish family will accept us. I think we are fantastic and worth celebrating! Especially as we hope to honor and participate in both religions and are not rejecting their heritage." 

And then Mary asked me to submit that posting to Dovetail. So here it is. I add my voice to the increasingly loud conversation about intermarriage from the perspective of those who are living it. Yes, this conversation is so loud that it has reached me here—in Melbourne, Australia! Thank God for that. It was getting kinda lonely here.